Inviting:
First, in private conversation, invite the person you are confronting to consider the apparent contradiction you perceive. The words "invite and "perceive" are important. Invitation is more respectful and far wiser than accusation or demand. It leaves room for choice. Depending on how immediate the need for resolution is and the depth of the relationship involved, you may want to begin with one of the following statements:

- "I'd like to talk to you about something I'm concerned about."
- "I wonder if you could take a few minutes to clear up something for me."
- "Can we get together after lunch to discuss something that's been on my mind."

Pointing out Discrepancies:
Second, concretely explain the apparent contradiction as matter-of-factly and dispassionately as possible. Address specific actions, not the person's character or personality. Staying firmly and painstakingly in the realm of facts means acknowledging that our perceptions may be fallible. By sticking to the facts, we keep our tone neutral and help the other person do the same. That's why it doesn't hurt to precede our statements with tentative caveats such as:

- "If my memory is correct … "
- "I could possibly be wrong … "
- "The way I remember our agreement … "
- "It looks to me as though … "

Do your best to speak in a neutral and nondefensive tone. Explain any seemingly contradictory words or actions in a way that helps the other person understand your concern without becoming overly defensive.

Inviting a Response:
Third, calmly invite the other person to respond by offering his or her point of view about the discrepancies you've raised. Expect the person to be at least a little bit defensive, but do your best not to get hooked by this emotion. Understand that this is a natural response. You'll be surprised how quickly this straightforward approach works to handle most day-to-day confrontations. Instead of ignoring small discrepancies as no big deal, you can use these methods to confront them early, before they become big deals.